Joe Biden saves the world
Thanks, Joe, for not screwing up. I didn’t expect you would, but thanks just the same. Not only did you not screw up, you won last night’s debate in a clear demonstration that it’s actually important to be able to answer questions with informative answers based on reason, law, and prudence. Things your beauty queen opponent couldn’t do, even after cramming for two weeks.
Last night Governor Chippie showed us all that she knows how to cram, just like any other failing college freshman who didn’t bother to read the textbook or attend any classes. She holed up and crammed with world experts, and world villains, who managed to program enough sound bites and “yer darn tootin” country tripe into her tiny little beauty queen brain (or at least the parts not yet imprinted with biblical nonsense). A few things had to be sacrificed during her training, of course. Things like being able to rationally link an answer to a question. Things like cogent information, knowledge, originality, or analytical awareness. Some things you just can’t program into a pig, no matter how hard you try.
Her programmers got a few things right. They did manage to push enough Pavlovian training on Gov. Chippie to make sure she grinned like a demonic debutante throughout the whole show, no matter how serious or sad the words she or her opponent were speaking. She was also really well trained in using as many grammatical contractions as humanly possible, and to throw enough hickisms into her back-parroting that last night sometimes felt like a crossover episode uniting the cast of Hee Haw with that of The Paper Chase.
She made it clear, as her masters told her to, that as VP (or in the event of apocalypse, POTUS) she would not show an inappropriately high level of expertise, judgment, or thought. This seems to be an important criterion to be a Republican lately; that you not excel at anything that trailer trash cannot also do. I think she’s got that one covered.
She also succeeded beyond anyone’s wildest expectations in being able to duck questions. I mean, why answer an uncomfortable question when you can just pretend a different question was asked? In her case, I doubt that much thought went into her answers. She simply looked down at her index cards, picked the top one (I guess she forgot to shuffle them), and answered with that. A question about foreign policy? Answer with something about taxes. A question about using nuclear weapons? Answer with something about taxes. To be fair, taxes are a tried and true GOPiglet mantra: always complain about taxes, always accuse your opponent of raising them, even if you have to make up the numbers out of whole cloth. Never forget that a right winger is nothing if not a squealing crybaby who wants free roads, free bailouts, free land, free civilization, and never wants to see a bill. Yes, she’s got that one covered, too.
At only one point did she deviate from her programming, and it was a telling moment. Apparently off the cuff, she proclaimed that under McCain’s administration she’d pursue a Cheney model of the VP office, where she gets to do whatever she wants whenever she wants, occupy two different branches of government at the same time, and to hell with the Constitution. This is more or less the official motto of the GOPiglets; to hell with the Constitution, kill ’em all and let the baby Jesus sort ’em out.
Last night Gov. Chippie showed that she can memorize lines, just like a good little beauty queen. She also showed that she’s a dangerously ignorant excuse for a public figure. She claims to love her gay friends, while she campaigns to brand them as second class citizens, perhaps not even human. She claimed to be a champion of women’s rights, while she campaigns to rip away a woman’s right to control her own reproduction – including pregnancies resulting from rape or incest, or both. Such a champion of freedom, she is. She pounded the old sawhorse that we can drill our way to energy independence, and please ignore the fact that such a thing is physically impossible. Maybe she thinks we can pray more oil out of the ground. She accused Obama of doing terrible things by voting the same way McCain voted. She refused to answer questions put to her, after agreeing to the debate format. After all, aren’t rules just for other people? For those too weak to fight back? And you know what the strong do to the weak, don’t you? Yer darn tootin’.