Texas, please secede
I honestly cannot fathom the depths of delusional megalomania that appear second nature to Texas governor Rick Perry. Did he consult with the citizens who elected him, or the legislature who are virtually equal to Perry in power (Texas is a “weak governor” state, administratively), before declaring to the world that he wouldn’t automatically rule out a personal bid for kingship of his own new fiefdom, if he agrees with an insufficient number of federal initiatives? Has Perry yet announced whether he intends a bloody military coup, or a Texas independence referendum on the state ballot? Would he be willing to commandeer federal military forces in the state, during a secession attempt… including nuclear weapons? What would his foreign policy be toward the United States of America?
The thing is, it actually does make me kind of sick to share a country with powerful yet criminally incompetent people like Perry. Obviously, based on current events, it appears there is actually no possible way to make people like Perry happy, short of raising the swastika and “deporting” all non-Evangelicals overnight. And even then I’m not sure if they’d have quibbles over how cruel to make the death camps, or whether to allow public stoning every day, or just on the sabbath. Exactly what is their gigantic beef with Obama? He’s a popularly-elected President, scarcely one season into office, who is trying desperately to refill the bomb craters bequeathed to our nation from eight years of W’s highly earnest attempts to establish a military dictatorship in the USA… so what’s Obama done already that pissed these people off so much?
The uncomfortable answer they’ll go red in the face and scream at you for even suggesting, is that they’d made up their minds before he took office. One look at his picture would have been all those people needed to make their decision. They liked having W in office, because W would pander to their pathological stupidity with relish. For eight years, they saw the nation falling dreamily down towards a nightmarish furnace of permanent dictatorship and 2 am arrests for sedition… and they couldn’t wait for it to happen. Finally they had their chance to teach heretics a lesson, to put all the deviants, the godless, the suspiciously swarthy, and all other maliciously non-churchgoing folk back in their place. They chomped at the bit to build a country where their monstrous demon-god could rule absolutely, and where women, blacks, heretics and other lesser forms of life would keep their eyes cast down at all times. They failed.
Now they see their last chance at autocracy in the USA is lost, probably forever. W and his cronies made clear what kind of country they wanted, and the rest of us normal people said no and voted them out. Not only that, we voted in by a landslide an expert on Constitutional law and public policy who has personally experienced poverty, and who appears to care whether he does things for good reasons or not. I’m fine with that, and I’m not sure where to look for a reason why someone wouldn’t be fine with that, except grotesque stupidity or seething, fanatical hatred. I’m not fine with either of those things.
So perhaps we should let Texas go. Perhaps it is her time to leave us, and begin to forge a new future for herself as the world’s newest Third World nation: a homegrown military junta dictatorship armed with modern weapons, strategically placed to middle-manage a lucrative underground drug trade, and ruled by the Christian Taliban. At first we’d need to have a big wall built, to keep roving Texan death squads from randomly invading or surreptitiously dumping bodies, but eventually we might be able to establish peaceful trade relations with the starving hermetic state… or at least we’d be in a good position to offer them humanitarian aid down the road.
One of the nice things about having an independent Texas would be its practicality as a relatively safe place to store many other kook populations in the current USA, such as large demographic swaths of the Deep South and mountainous West. Washington might seriously want to look into funding an offer of resettlement packages, so that the impoverished peoples of Alabama and Mississippi, say, could be paid to voluntarily resettle to Texas, and finally be among people of their own ethnicity. And only them.
Losing Texas would probably save the US economy. Without the drain of all that cultural deadwood, and with the ensuing labor crunch, employment would soar and productivity would sail through the roof. Per capita education levels would rise overnight, and with lower divorce rates, lower teen pregnancy rates, lower STD rates, and lower domestic violence rates, the remaining US population would likely see the dawn of a new golden age of peace and domestic prosperity. It wouldn’t be all good news, because of course we’d have to remain vigilant towards our southern border for the foreseeable future. We would need to spend a lot to maintain the Texas Wall, simply as a matter of national security… but as far as I’m concerned, that’s a small price to pay for freedom.